


The Reasons Why

by Torched22



Category: Smallville
Genre: Confessions, M/M, Murder, PTSD, Past Rape/Non-con
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2020-01-19
Updated: 2020-01-19
Packaged: 2021-02-19 10:54:46
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Rape/Non-Con
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,683
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/22309882
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Torched22/pseuds/Torched22
Summary: Clark confronts Lex after Lionel's rather suspicious death. Things do not go as he had anticipated...at all...
Relationships: Clark Kent/Lex Luthor
Comments: 1
Kudos: 53





	The Reasons Why

**Author's Note:**

> ****WARNING**** This work contains mention of past sexual abuse and could be a trigger to those who have experienced sexual, physical, or verbal abuse. If you are unsure whether this work will be a trigger to you, please do not read it or proceed with caution.

Rain spit against the windows to Lex's penthouse. He sat on the single step that led to the hall where the bedrooms waited. Unmoving. Barely breathing. An empty decanter and a loaded gun sat next to him on the zebra wood floor. He stared at the floor's exotic pattern, like milk chocolate and caramel run side by side. He looked down and to the left, towards the private elevator and thought about how he'd need to call the cleaning crew ASAP. All those cops coming and going, asking him questions, tracking their rain-soaked shoes through his home. 

It was his home wasn't it? 

It didn't feel like it. 

Even though it had views of the entire city, top of the line appliances, exquisite art and furniture...it felt empty. Like a body without a soul. It didn't matter if he bought a comfy throw or hung a wreath on the door or did any number of other 'normal' people things...it still felt hollow. Like Lex himself. 

He was thinking about this when the phone rang. The sound was so loud in the deadly quiet space that it startled him and he nearly dropped his glass of whiskey. He set down the drink and picked up the phone, it was LexCorp Tower's front desk. "What?" he asked dryly. 

"Mr. Luthor, I am so sorry to bother you," a male voice said. "But there is a young man here to see you. His name is Clark Kent. I told him that you likely wouldn't be taking visitors..."

"You're right. I'm not. Tell him to go away and if he doesn't get the message, toss him out." 

"Yes sir, sorry sir." 

*click*

Lex stared at the phone in his hands numbly, before tossing back on the step. He picked up his glass, took a sip from the crystal tumbler, set it down and picked up the gun. He wondered fleetingly if the rain would stop anytime soon. Why should the sky cry for Lionel Luthor? It shouldn't. 

He ran a thumb over the cool metal of the gun and felt its weight in his hands. In the past, guns were pointed at him so much that they'd lost their shock value. Sometimes it was he himself waving one dangerously close to his temple. He thought about the mechanics, the physics, turning it over in his hands.

His concentration was broken though, by a sound. A noise coming from the opposite side of the living room. His eyes narrowed. It was the locked door to the emergency stairwell. 'What the hell?' he thought. He really ought to have lifted the weapon and pointed it towards the door, but he didn't really have the energy or resolve to do so.

The door shook and Lex's fingers only tightened around the Glock. His mind supplying him with, 'what's the point? If you're getting robbed, so be it. If you get shot, so be it. You deserve it.' So he only sat and watched. 

The door was dead-bolted. Whoever was behind it wasn't getting in. Or so he thought...

He heard a sickening sound, like twisting metal that screamed a groan in protest as it was bent from its shape. The door came off in a smack, falling to the floor about three feet away. 

'Welp, if this is it, I'm ready to go,' Lex thought. He also considered for a moment that his tombstone death date would be the same as his father's and laughed at the absurdity of that. 

But it wasn't thugs or robbers who were stepping through the door, it was Clark Kent, clad in his stupid bright blue jacket and red t-shirt. His eyes were wide, finding Lex in the near dark, sitting on the step, holding the gun but not pointing it. 

"Lex," the word was whispered and he began walking forwards. "I expected you to be aiming that gun when I came through the door."

Luthor only shrugged and took a tight lipped glance of the weapon. "No point," he said. 

Clark swallowed. He expected Lex to be depressed, but not that depressed. Kent came towards him and stood, dripping wet, putting his hands in his pockets. 

"That door was bolted shut," Lex said flatly. "With three deadlocks." 

"Yes, it was," Clark admitted, looking back at the wreckage. "I'll replace it, I promise." 

"So this is new. You're not lying, you're not denying...are you sure you're the real Clark Kent?" He looked up at his once savior, gray eyes glittering in the dark.

"The one and only." 

"Well, you don't take no for an answer, do you?" 

"I don't want you to be alone right now."

"Even if that's what I want?" 

"I'm worried about you Lex." The, 'and for good reason,' hung between them unsaid. His green eyes stared at the weapon.

"Are you?" Lex hissed, staring up. His gray eyes were bright, even in the dimness. "Because I know that you stopped caring a long time ago. I don't think you're here to check on me, I think you're here to ask me a question. An important question that you don't have the balls to ask." 

Clark gulped and pressed his lips together for a moment before taking a deep breath. His hands were balled into fists in his jacket. 

"I know you want to ask it. It's on the tip of your tongue. So just...do it...just ask..." his words were venom, hatred and despair that housed years of suffering. Of loneliness.

Clark knew that Lex wasn't wrong. He had come for a reason.

In order to get up to the penthouse, Clark considered stealing the elevator key card, but it required a thumbprint as well as the card, either Lex's or the building manager's or the elevator operators. So he took the stairs and came to the bolted door. He knew Lex was on the other side - could see him with his x-ray vision holding the gun. He considered just leaving...but...couldn't. There were too many things he had to know and he'd never forgive himself if Lex ended his own life. Shit, Lex basically knew his secret already, the strength part of it at least. The images in Luthor's secret room in the mansion relayed on a loop in Clark's mind. Not to mention, if Lex had killed his father, he would be going to jail. So Clark made the rather insane decision to take the door out, with Lex watching. 

"Just fucking grow a pair and ask Clark," Lex spat, tears brimming behind his eyes. "That's why you're really here isn't it? To get up on your soapbox and look down on me? To lecture me on my villainous ways?"

"Lex..."

"So just ask me you fucking pussy!" he spat, his hand now in the proper position to shoot, finger close to the trigger.

Clark took off his jacket to reveal an equally soaked t-shirt. It had to be 30 degrees outside, but he wasn't shaking with cold, he didn't even look uncomfortable - beyond Lex's words that is. He knelt down and was now level with Lex. He ran a hand through his hair. 

"I don't know if I want to ask. I don't know if I want to know," he said in a near whisper, his eyes huge and green and sad. 

A tear slipped free and slid down Lex's face. Clark caught him off guard as he reached a massive hand up to Lex's face and swiped it away with his thumb. 

"You already hate me Clark, I have nothing to lose by telling you." 

Clark's jaw flexed as he grit his teeth together as if bracing himself. 

"Lex..." he whispered so low that Luthor almost couldn't hear it. "Did you...did you kill your father?" 

More tears rolled down Lex's face and he sucked in a breath before continuing. He looked at Clark unflinchingly, his voice steady. 

"Yes. I killed Lionel." 

Clark's eyebrows sloped up, his face twisted in dismay. A whimper left his throat as he hung his head and rocked back and forth a little. It was like he was trying to process what Lex had said. But it didn't take much processing. He reached out and gently clasped his hands around the gun, pulling it away from Lex. He ejected the clip and emptied the bullet waiting in the chamber. It hit the floor with a clink. Silence had wrapped around them both...until Lex's next words reverberated like a gun shot. 

"He fucked me," Lex said. 

The words floated downwards, embedding themselves into the young man's head, rooting with realization. Clark's eyes snapped back up to meet his and now his features were littered with confusion. "Wh-what?" 

"Since I was fifteen," Lex whispered, his eyes trained on Clark's wet chest, but looking through him, staring into the past. 

Clark's lips parted and he took in a shaky breath. "He...he...you mean...sex?" 

"I mean rape," Lex said, his now-red eyes looking at Clark. Clark whose hand was coming up to hang on his own mouth. Clark who looked very pale very suddenly. Clark who had stopped rocking back and forth and just collapsed in a puddle of splayed legs on the floor, his hand slipping from his mouth to reveal trembling lips as time slowed to a crawl. 

One moment, Clark was in front of him, and the next, he was gone. 

It made Lex wonder if he'd hallucinated the entire thing, until he heard the sound of vomiting. His eyes went to the kitchen to see Clark's back, he was hunched over the sink, throwing up. He did so several times, until there was nothing left, and then he held the faucet above his face and put water in his mouth to rinse it out. He did that twice, swishing it around, spitting it out. Then he threw water on his face and ran it through his already wet hair with a shaky hand. He took a drink of water and then shut the faucet off. 

Lex just sat on the step, watching. 

Clark stood and took a few more breaths at the sink, his hands on the marble to steel himself. And then he was gone. Disappearing and reappearing in front of Lex. 

It was jarring and it scared Lex, who jumped back. 

"S-sorry, I shouldn't use my speed, I just didn't know if I could make it to the sink without it." 

Lex just stared at him with huge eyes. He wondered if Clark was finally letting his secrets go because he pitied him. Then again, he had broken the door down before Lex had told him.

"Lex..." Clark bit his lip and wrung his hands. His legs were awkwardly splayed on the floor and he continued to drip from his time in the rain and at the sink. "I...don't know what to say," his eyes were red and tears were gathering at them.

"How about...it was nice knowing you Lex. Enjoy prison?" 

"No..." Clark shook his head as tears spilled down his wet cheeks. "I'm not...I won't tell a soul..."

Lex looked surprised. "You are good with secrets aren't you," he said bitterly. Clark just looked guilty. "You know, I thought it would be easy," Lex shrugged. "But it wasn't. His face. That look he had, like he wasn't even surprised. It's burned into my brain Clark," he said, lowering his head into his shaking hands. "It's a long fall from the 97th floor," Lex gulped. "He had a while to think before hitting. I wonder what he thought as he fell. Knowing he was dying in a matter of seconds." He looked up. Clark looked very pale once more. 

Kent's hands came up, both of them, then paused as if he were unsure. He was reaching for Lex but stopped. He didn't know if Lex wanted to be touched. 

"I never told anyone," Lex said. "I never had a friend before you." 

A little noise escaped from Clark and it made Lex's chest hurt. Was it guilt?

"I wish you would have told me in 2003," Clark whispered, his hands in his lap. 

"Why? What would you have done?" 

"I would have broken his neck," he said very seriously. 

Surprise rolled through Lex's eyes. "No. No you wouldn't have." 

"Yes. Yes I would have," Clark said, surprising himself. He had accidentally killed before. Accidentally. He refused to be a murderer, but here he was, 10,000% sure that he would have murdered Lionel for this. "It would have been hard," Clark added. "Not to rip him limb from limb or turn his bones to dust. I'm too strong. I wouldn't have been able to control it if his neck was in my hands."

"You're not a murderer Clark. I am." 

"No..." Clark argued. 

"Yes. I took his life. On purpose." 

"I don't care."

"Yes you do," Lex shot back. "Now when you see me, you see a murderer. You know I've killed before." 

"In self defense." 

"I've hurt people. I'm a monster." 

"Stop it," Clark pleaded, his voice shaking. 

"He made me...do so many things," Lex said, feeling the whiskey churn in his stomach. Clark was scooting forward, hands itching to go to Lex. 

"Lex..."

"It started when I was fifteen. I...embarrassed him," Lex sighed. "We got home and he hit me."

Clark closed his eyes and took steadying breaths. He couldn't hear this, but he had to, he had to be here for Lex. Still, it made him feel like shattering into a thousand pieces.

"After he hit me, he forced me to my knees and started undoing his belt. Silly me..." Lex laughed. "I thought he was going to hit me with it. But he didn't. He grabbed me by the ear...since I don't have hair... and pulled me up to his crotch. He took out his cock and forced my mouth open. He held my face to him, made me fuck him with my face, then came in my mouth. He made me swallow."

Clark was shaking now, his entire body vibrating with terror and hatred and sadness. 

"I threw up on his shoes. That only made things worse," he breathed. "He threw me on the bed to rape me, but he didn't have it in him. He pulled my pants down and then stopped. Left." Lex sniffled. "It was blow jobs for three years. Usually a few times a year. Then...when I turned 18...he finally..."

Clark took a breath in but let a sob out. His hands were squeezing into his own thighs with absurd force, but his arms shook anyway. 

"First time he shoved his cock into my ass was in his office, over his desk. He used spit instead of lube and...I was hurt...bleeding." 

Clark wanted to stand, to pace, to scream, to bring Lionel back from the dead to torture him to death. 

"I should have killed him then," Lex said. "But I didn't have enough power. My soul wasn't black enough yet...close...but not yet. I just couldn't do it," he hung his head, "I was too weak." 

"You're not weak Lex. Far from it." 

Silence.

Then...

"He stopped raping me when he found out I hadn't killed Julian," he laced his fingers together as he spoke, squeezing so hard that his knuckles turned white. "But then...he put me in Belle Reeve. He subjected me to electroshock therapy." 

Clark listened intently, his soul splitting, fracturing. 

"By taking away my memories, he raped me in a different way." 

Clark was breathing hard, pulling at his hair. "I almost got you out," he blurted suddenly. letting his eyes connect with Lex's, moving his hand to his mouth, where he bit on a finger. "I got you as far as the parking lot." 

Lex's head turned, straightened, shock all over his face. "What?" he said in a breath. 

"I used my powers to get you out," Clark said. "We were in the parking lot," his gaze glazed over as he remembered. "These thugs I had worked for during my summer in Metropolis...they had found me...figured out my weakness. They used it on me...they found me in that parking lot with you...and they took me," he sobbed. "They took me and I couldn't get you out," tears ran in rivers down his face. "I tried to save you," his voice broke.

"Clark..."

"If I had known that he...I would have killed him for you Lex." 

"You're not a murderer," he repeated.

"I've killed before."

More shock on Lex's face. 

"How many years Lex? Can I ask? When did he find out you didn't kill Julian?" 

"Fourteen years." 

This time, Clark couldn't help but stand and pace, his hands on his hips, then the back of his neck, then on his mouth. 

"Four blowjobs. Twenty rapes." 

"No," Clark sobbed. "Nononono," his voice was pleading and strung tight. He fell into a crouch with his head down and hands on the back of his head like he was trying not to be sick again. He stood and yelled suddenly, more of a scream, his eyes on the fireplace in the living room, letting his heat vision pour flame into it, crashing apart the glass enclosure and making it explode with light and heat. The onslaught stopped and the fireplace roared with the overabundance of heat. 

He was breathing too fast. Time was going too slow. He had the same feeling he did when he failed to save someone. Except, this wasn't just someone...it was Lex. His friend. His friend he had kept his secrets from and for what? Maybe...if he'd just been honest.

"If I had told you...my secret..." his voice was high and teary, "would you have told me about what Lionel was doing to you?" 

"I - I don't know Clark. This isn't your fault."

"But I could have stopped it!" he screamed. He had ended up in the kitchen and after Lex answered, he slammed a fist into the kitchen island. Marble and wood went crashing and he kept going. Ripping into it, picking up a slab of marble and squeezing it to dust, before taking another piece and literally ripping it apart. He collapsed in the rubble after his tantrum. No wonder Lex was so desperate for his friendship, so desperate to garner his loyalty. And what did Clark do? Keep it close to the vest. He'd let their friendship die. He left Lex alone...alone with that monster. 

His hands were in his hair and he was crying. Openly crying. How had he not seen the signs? How had he not fixed it? He could have fixed it. He and Lex met when he was 15 and Lex was 23. He could have spared him six years of rape. 

Lex stood, and came over to him, towering over him now. Apparently, he'd said all of that out loud. 

Luthor was kicking away the wood and marble and bits of whatever had been housed in the island. Metal pots and pans that were now crumbled. 

"It wasn't your job to save me from Lionel." 

"I should have."

"I wasn't your responsibility. You can't save everyone. I could have spared myself fourteen years of it if I had killed him at 15. But then I would have been in jail for the rest of my life. I couldn't get away with it back then." 

Clark just choked another sob back. "You shouldn't be comforting me. This is so fucked up. I - I should...I should have been there for you." 

"You were Clark."

"Not like I should have been! You suffered...right in front of me and I didn't see it," he yelled, tears streaking down his face. "How could I not see it? I was in love with you." 

The last three words fell around them like a drape, falling to the ground until they settled. 

"I was in love with you," Clark admitted, his eyes still huge and sad. "And instead of doing anything about it, I ran away because I was scared of it. And I was scared of telling anyone my secret because of how deeply my parents drilled secrecy into me. I was scared of telling because my biological father..." he stopped. "He hit me, burned me, hurt me, and I didn't want him to hurt anyone else." 

"Your - biological father." 

Clark just nodded. "I was scared of being bi or gay or whatever it is I am. It was easier to just let our friendship fall apart, to run away, to hide." 

"I know." 

"I *am* a fucking pussy," he said quietly. 

"No...you're not," Lex crouched down to his level. "You try your damndest to save everyone...but it's just not possible. I chose not to tell you about Lionel, even when our friendship was on good terms. And you chose not to tell me your secrets because you were young, and not ready, and afraid of your parents - all of them."

"I only have one secret left, aside from being an alien with powers," Clark said. 

Lex sat in the rubble with Clark. "Alien." 

Clark nodded. 

Lex swallowed and cleared his throat. "What's your one secret left?" 

"I still have feelings for you." 

Lex gave a half smile, the kind that was broken but hopeful. 

"Like a brother?" Lex held his breath and prayed for a certain answer.

Clark shook his head 'no.' "Not like a brother." 

Luthor let out a breath in relief. He moved closer to Clark and took his face in his hands, moving his head forward. 

Clark's eyes were dark and he stared at Lex moving towards him as if in slow motion. 

"You've been through a lot Lex," Clark croaked. "You've had a lot to drink and today was beyond traumatizing..."

Clark reached out and pulled Lex into his lap. Lex couldn't cry, he was too numb, so Clark just sat and held him, kissing his neck, whispering in his ear, holding him.


End file.
